Did you know oven knobs come off??? I did not....

Lesson Four


How to Clean Your Oven
Pages 78-79

(Holy yellow gloves Batman!)




I do not store my handbags in my oven. I actually USE my oven to prepare meals, bake cakes, and occasionally burn garlic bread. Tonight I made homemade spaghetti a la Chrissy Sloan. There was tomato paste, garlic, veggies, boiling water-all burners a GO! I was almost feeling like Martha. I was cleaning as I cook. I was chopping. I was mincing. I was seasoning. Then I was panicking! As I lowered the flame on the front burner, I was stunned to find my knobs were groady (Glossary of Terms-slimy, greasy, gross)! My entire oven was a tranny hot mess. A quick flip through Martha's Index and in two pages all the secrets of cleaning one's oven were revealed to me.
After a few paragraphs, I remembered why I have avoided this specific cleaning task. I like yellow as an accent color. I like yellow lemonade. I like yellow highlighters. I do not enjoy yellow latex gloves or any activity that requires your hands to be completed shielded from the death chemicals needed for said activity. But alas I forged ahead. I hit up the home of 'Urban Luggage' bags, referenced by JayZ in 'NY State of Mind'-Duane Reede. I bought Oven Cleaner (the deadly chemicals) and the dreaded yellow rubber gloves. Let me just say this was not a cute look for me.

Bath Time:

Who doesn't love a little bath time? Hot water and some bubbles! Oven cleaning actually begins with bath time. Fill your sink with hot water and dish detergent. Then submerge your oven racks into the bubbly warmth. This will break up and dissolve the caked on grease and grime.

(Not nearly as cute as Baby Maddox in the bath)



Undress Your Stove:
A little foreplay before the big show. REMOVE YOUR OVEN KNOBS!!! Who knew that these suckers were removable. Simply turn each knob to 'Off' and remove each one. This revealed the truly tragic state of my oven. Yikes!









Elbow Grease:
Get your scrub on! Put some power behind your push. I felt like that 'We Can Do It' poster while I was mid hand cramp! One by one I swiped away these rings of shame

Protect Your Floor:
Martha recommends lining the kitchen floor surrounding your oven with newspaper. I used the next best thing-back issues of Vogue! Not very Martha but very me!















Line the bottom of the oven and SPRAY:
Oh my! I was scared! The warning label on the back of Oven Cleaners are epic. They are the kind of warning label that should appear on a 'Life Ruiner'(Glossary of Terms-One who ruins your life. Crushes your heart. Pops your fantasy of lurve.) Basically every word says abort this mission, Do not pass Go, Do not collect $200, No one sees the wizard, not no way, not no how...You must put your fears aside and just jump right in. Crack a window, don your sexy yellow latex and spray!

Martha and a Bit of Magic:
I cheated. That's right I broke the rules. I supplemented my cleaning with two secret weapons, Pinot Grigio and Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser. I find a good wine buzz and some magic from a bald man really takes this cleaning task to the next level.

• Difficulty-4 out of 5. (I felt like I needed a Hazmat Suit. I like my face and skin and did not want it burned off by the Oven Cleaner deadliness. This task was full blown GPA)
  
• Execution-I give myself a B because I am still typsy and I did use the Magic Eraser.
  
• Fun Factor-This was about as much as having stromboli (Glossary of Terms-explosive diarrhea)after cheap Mexican or puking in your purse after cheap Mexican. I may actually fashion a rigged Chore Chart to avoid doing this task again.
  

ONTO LESSON NUMBER 5!!
(Also, kudos to Chrissy Sloan for introducing me to Warm Vanilla Sugar from Bath and Body Works and giving me a play by play for creating tonight's meal. Be-Gak!)